13: YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE A MOM TO BE A MOTHER

June 27, 2021

As you know, at the beginning of the pandemic I cashed in my peace of mind for a one way express ticket to Bonkersvilla (formerly known as Crazytown). 

And if you listened to MoM episode 10, you know how deeply this affected me. 

There were a few times that I hit my breaking point: when I told Jeremy we needed to go to NJ to be safe, when I had a meltdown and realized I needed to start anxiety meds, when I told him my friend was going to start watching Everett because I couldn’t handle not having childcare anymore, and when I realized that no matter the risk, I needed a massage.

Our bodies hold our trauma. Our tensions, stress, fears, grief. And it builds. It affects your muscles, connective tissue, brain, digestion, breathing, heart, everything! And  I felt like I was actually, really, literally about to snap.

I made an appointment at a local wellness space that I frequented during pregnancy. I went twice in the week before E was born. I love body work. 

Before my divorce I always got deep tissue massages. The harder the better. The pain and burning or the muscles releasing felt so good. And yes, I was dancing professionally at the time and needed this type of work. AND I was numb in my life and in hindsight used this to feel something. Anything. To remind myself I was still there.

And it was on a trip to Puglia, Italy for one of my best friend’s weddings where I got a regular massage? One that’s relaxing? One where you melt into the table in this transcendent and transformative way? Do you know about those? Anne, my therapist that day, changed my life. I told her she healed me from my divorce.

It may sound dumb, but this massage changed everything.

I realized the power of being soothed. Of being cared for. Of softening instead of hardening.

Ok, so that was Anna in Italy (who I saw again when Jeremy and I were there for our engagement!) and now back to Brooklyn.

I booked a massage with a therapist I had never seen before, but from her picture and description I knew she was the one.

I got there and joked that she had a tall order that day. To heal me from covid. I gave her a heads up I may cry, I may sleep, no one knew. She laughed and said “I got you.”

And she did.

This was another game changing experiences. I finally felt cared for postpartum. I felt seen, heard, safe, and held. I imagined (hoped) this is how Everett feels when I handle his body and spirit. My body softened in a way that it hadn’t after the trauma of my birth experience and the insanity of a pandemic with an infant. I felt restored. 

I obviously booked another appointment shortly thereafter. And then I found out Rebbeca is also a doula! What?! I lost my mind. No wonder I felt so mothered on the table with her.

And I started thinking (do you also hear SJP’s voice reading that line? Because I do!) that mothering isn’t confined to children. Your children. There is mothering to be done all over the place. And there is even more mothering needed.

This is why I had to have Rebeca on the podcast to talk about mothering the mother. Because you don’t have to bear children to be a mother. 

And in the same way we want our children to grow up with a variety of people loving them, caring for them, comforting them, guiding them, we can have that too. By mothering each other and allowing ourselves to be mothered too.

I hope you enjoy this episode as much as I enjoyed recording it and maybe find an opportunity to mother and be mothered outside of your nuclear family.

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