I don’t want this to be true

“I don’t want to be a divorcee.” 

I’m standing in my parents’ Florida home, in the kitchen. The three of us are at one corner with me on one side and them closer together on the other. I say the words to the counter top because I can’t make eye contact. I’m ashamed and I’m tired and I don’t want this to be true.

“I don’t want to have to tell people I’m a divorcee.”

The realization that my marriage is over is like a light switch turning on at the end of the night in a dive bar on the lower east side. One minute I’m drunk and dancing and nailing it and the next I’m soaking in sweat, eye makeup smeared all over my face, everything smells like beer/pee/vomit and I have to be at work in a couple of hours. The whole scene is whatever the kids now call a hot mess. 

I know I have to get out of here and I don’t want this to be true. I don’t want this messy, smelly, sticky truth. I want to pretend the lights aren’t on. 

And even if I keep dancing it will still smell awful.

Even if I try to keep working through things, it won’t change the truth. The truth is my marriage is already over and has been for a long time. I didn’t want it to be true and I still don’t.

No amount of denial, therapy, or time spent apart will change the fact that in order for me to be happy I have to end the marriage. 

That is the truth and the truth doesn’t care if you like it or not.

Imagine having that kind of confidence? Not forcing yourself on people? Letting them dance around you as needed? Watching them as they swirl closer then retreat? Two steps forward, one step back? 

The truth doesn’t need to prove anything. The truth trusts its power. 

Last week in MOVE we talked a lot about this and it cut me deep. I designed this course MONTHS ago and this reminder, this lesson, this focus is so freaking spot on for me that it makes it hard not to believe in higher force/power/energy/etc. 

There are things in my life right now that I know are true and right. I may not be able to articulate them right now, I couldn’t prove my case in court, and I probably couldn’t convince someone else to agree with me, but that doesn’t change what I know to be true. (No, I’m not leaving Jeremy and he’s not leaving me).

I knew in my guts that my marriage was over and I had to have a few…tantrums of sorts about it. I didn’t want to get divorced. I didn’t want to have to start over. I didn’t want to have not made it work. AND it was time to get divorced, start over, and know that I did everything I could have done. 

So if I’m a little slower to respond to your emails this week, or less present on social media (which I want to work on anyway) know that it’s because I’m having tantrums over here because I don’t want the truth to be the truth. 

And if you have some extra to share, send some good energy toward Jeremy. He probably has his hands full. 

Xo, Alissa

PODCAST: Even In Our Modern World, Health Takes Time with Stephanie Tan founder of Nooci. Check out the show, duh, and www.mynooci.com and use code ALISSA15 to save 15% I personally love ReNoo, let me know what you check out!

WATCHING: Good On Paper!
LISTENING: Rediscovering this song from a musical I went to endless callbacks for and never booked!